Grieving the loss of a relationship with me
Grieving the loss of a relationship is similar to grieving the death of a loved one -- the process seems to take forever, and there is nothing you can do to fast forward the process toward the final stage of acceptance.
But can you imagine for a moment grieving the relationship you are still part of?
Can you imagine trying to disconnect emotionally from the source of your desires and dreams?
Well, in the last 10 years, I have gone through a mourning process several times.
The first stage one goes through is utter disbelief and anger.
I remember the first time I hit that stage. I realized that much of what you presented wasn't at all alive. Your persona, what you represented and what you apparently held dear to your heart was nothing but a fantasy built from pieces of what you thought you needed to be.
Naturally, the anger came from discovering the lie, something I could have forgiving, but the disbelief that shot through my heart came from facing the possibility that in your company, I would always be second from the bottom, second to last choice, not worth a dime.
Shock and denial crippled my soul for weeks, making me believe I was my own enemy. I continued to fantasize about the two of us knitting our love back together, happily working through all of our issues, finally becoming that dream I never dared to dream...But again, you made me believe.
As reality set in, I realized our relationship was over before it ever began. The more my sadness and anger grew, the more I pursued you, as if somehow I could make you realize my value, to hopefully revive in you a sense of responsibility, regret and change. To somehow make you truly fall in love with me again.
But the more I pursued, the more you ran away and beyond, over the walls of regret and into the valleys of their chests. I had the urge to tell everyone how horrible you really are, how fake, manipulative and selfish you really are.
I was angry at the world. I was disappointed and ashamed of myself, after all, how could I let myself get involved. How could I have been caught off guard and entangled in such a fable? How could I have believed that you would be a different fantasy? Damn it, I thought you were a reality.
So I tried to nurture myself as best as I could. Taking on lots of activities and reopening old corners of my soul. What was exhilarating at first, became a trap at the long haul. In this relationship, long walks became lingering for better days. Listening to music became entertaining the very possibility of someone else and writing my thoughts on paper became another part of me I wished I could connect to you. Oh what a difficult process it is, it was, when you feel so damaged and neglected by the very one you love.
Let’s strike a deal, was the second phase to our tango game.
Because everyone grieves differently, I returned to previous stages of grieving before moving forward again. My head spinning of course, my person shook to its very core. I found myself bargaining with you, whom I wish was now my ex love. With promises to change or go to couple's counseling, oh how I attentively heard that. I attempted to set a time limit, the ultimate ultimatum. I wanted you to repent and see yourself for who you are...see me as who was, the woman meant to be by your side.
Even if it worked for a while, I still felt the void caused by that forced similitude of affection, that fake tenderness, not even worthy of a cat. At this stage, I tried to get your family to speak to you, without luck. Instead this well intentioned action further complicated things. What followed was pure isolation and demise. I now had no network nor safety net on either side.
Third, a black cloud settled into my court.
Depression and hopelessness made its bed into my home, while you were still creeping and sneaking as if I didn't know. Feeling hopeless caused me to ruminate and sink deeper into that hellish dark place. The kind of void that seems one can't recuperate, refurbish or replace.
I found it more difficult to see a brighter future, to see a brighter day. To survive and try to disguise my fleeting humanity. I quickened into autopilot, a routine of sorts, a mundane survival plan I thought I was ready to put in place. I then did something I never did before, I voiced my thoughts and feelings, without the fear of the judgment of others. My suitors I now acknowledged. My suitors I now allowed to come near, to be around my person, to be around and potentially take your place. The saddest part of this process, knowing all too well you didn't care, or at least that's how it seemed, until one day you finally admitted how much you love me... What your pride didn't allow you to show, didn't allow you to live.
Freedom through acceptance was the final step in what now has clearly become a vicious cycle of self sabotage.
Acceptance allows you to come to peace with the loss of your relationship. I had reached the point I could let you go, despite the fact that there were days I continued to have hope.
However, the immense sadness I had gone through, asked me to let go for my own sanity. I dropped my rigid sense of duty, and stared into self love. I got involved in new hobbies and met new people. I focused on the value of my time and breath, the value of my deep connecting love. I focused my precious energy on the positive things in my life.
When memories of you, my ex-love arose, I made peace with who you are, who you were. I tried to recall the pleasant memories and stay in the present moment. Oh how surprising that my new happiness made you want me. Oh why did I have to go through this entire process to get you to notice me?
But the end of the story is not nearly begun, because we are still together, yet apart. We are still dancing this foolish game, when I pursue you, you still flee my way. When I accept to let you go, you come running back into my soul.
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