It had never been

Disintegrated wood - Centennial Park

It's not that I don't know your value

It's that I don't want you

It's not that I don't see you 

It's that I can't stand you

You remind me of everything I could be 

But am not

You remind me of everything I dreamed of and had to put to rest

You remind me of the stars I use to see in your eyes

How that shined bright

How they lit the sky

It's not that I don't see what could be

It's that somehow, for whatever reason

You bring the very worst out of me

Do you bring it out to sabotage me?

Do you bring it out to show hatred towards me?

Do you bring it out to project onto me?

It's not that I don't believe in you

Or in your capacity

It's that I'm scared to fail you

Scared I'll never be enough

So I simply stopped trying

I know who and what you are

I know you are the one

But I'm scared to bring myself up to that possibility

I'm scared to let go and be free

Free to love and be vulnerable

Free to be 100% authentic me

Yes, I know who you are

Because you never let me escape into oblivion

Nah nah

Every day you reminded me of my potential

Every day you held me to a hire standard

Yes everyday you fought for me to walk into whom I was meant to be

But when I failed, I thought you would be embarrassed

I thought you would leave me

I thought you would smile in my face and betray me when I was away

So I did it to you first

Yes I messed it up to not be the first one to get hurt

I said yeah, uhuh, now we are both in the same dirt

I pushed you to be everything I feared you to be

Everything that would break my heart

Everything and everyone I did not want

You were resilient and saw past my immaturity and hurt

You stood strong, storing the hurt

I never saw someone pray and cry so much

I made myself believe you were crazy, not crazy in love

I mean, how can I be loved

I was always the lover, not the beloved

I was the side piece, not the main course

I saw how they did others wrong

Those vulnerable assholes 

I did not want to be one them

I did not want to be in love

You looked like a dream, but surely it was fake like the rest of them

When I saw the papers, I was happy

But still upset

I'm letting You go and kicking you to the streets

So how dare you tell me it's over

Don't forget, I had long decided it had never even been 

Written by Animsay